As a coach and therapist I am constantly learning and I love finding new teachers to expand my knowledge on sex and relationships. I’ve never really thought about connecting my heart to my Yoni (the Sanskrit word means sacred cave – vagina), however this is one of the things I was working on in Bali with a Yoni egg. This spiritual side of sexuality is alien to me, however the more I learn the more I want to immerse myself in it. It resonates with me, my desire to feel truly connected during intimacy. I identify that I’ve only ever had this a few times in my life.
I recognise that in the past I have unconsciously disconnected my body from my yoni. A skill I honed as a teenager having promiscuous sex with a variety of older men, in order to feel loved and accepted. I became a performer. I relished the attention I got from being overtly sexual and performing to please them, often forgoing my own needs. The trade-off was simple, I got the love and acceptance, they got the sexual pleasure.
After falling in love at the tender age of 20, I experienced the benefits of sex with someone who I truly cared about, and the connection and chemistry we had was powerful, something I had never experienced before. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and that’s when I experienced the ultimate pleasure. However, when my heart was broken some 3 years later, I unconsciously went back to my comfort zone of ‘performing’ for men to get love and acceptance. This time through my escorting. A career I had for 10 years. During this time (my late twenties) only 1 man who became my on/off boyfriend for around 3 years, was able to penetrate the protective walls I had built myself. Sadly, this relationship didn’t work out.
Since then, I now realise, my relationships have been on a very superficial level, with my emotional and physical needs not being met through a series of emotionally unavailable men. I was attracting emotionally unavailable men because I was emotionally unavailable.
Now I am single, working on consciously connecting to my body, and connecting my heart to my yoni, through self-love and compassion. When I have worked through this and figured this out I want to share it with my clients.
If you are interested I recommend you check out Sonja Shrada Devi’s Yoni Egg Magic Month, which starts Monday.