24 Aug My Child Says They Want to Die – What Should I Do?
My Child Says They Want to Die – What Should I Do?
Hearing your child say “I want to die”, “I wish I wasn’t here” or “everyone would be better off without me” is terrifying.
As a parent, when your child says they want to die, you may feel panic, guilt, helplessness or an overwhelming need to convince them immediately that life is worth living.
But first: listen…
Sometimes “I want to die” means exactly that. Sometimes it means I cannot tolerate how I feel right now and I don’t want to be seen. And sometimes a child simply doesn’t yet have the language to communicate the intensity of their emotional pain.
Some comments my ASD/ADHD daughter has voiced to me:
- I am the worst child in the world
- I want to die
- I don’t deserve to sleep in a bed so I’m sleeping on the floor
Whatever is underneath those words, they need to be taken seriously. I have felt these feelings personally and felt very alone and despite me knowing I am a good enough parent I have experienced this with my daughter.
Here’s the narrative I use step by step.
- I can hear you’re feeling very down on yourself right now and don’t want to be here = validation. Thank you for sharing how you feel. I/we don’t need to know what you’re feeling or why, (unless you know). No pressure.
- I’m here to support you through your challenging feelings, because these are feelings. Can you remember a time when you didn’t feel this way? Remember the fun day we had the other day? Reminisce. Feelings pass, so we can let these feelings be, knowing they will change if we give them time and offer ourselves compassion. We are not our feelings.
- I understand because I have had these feelings too in the past when I was your age. They are tricky feelings. I’m here to support you through them, not to change them.
- Are you allowed to make mistakes? I make mistakes every day, and feel frustrated with myself. We are not so different. My job is to help you process these emotions. Remember that nothing and no one needs to be perfect. We are allowed to make the same mistakes more than once. (validation)
- I for one believe you are an incredible human and I love you unconditionally. You can tell me anything. It’s not your job to figure things out, it’s mine. I will get you the support you need.
- Because you have shared this with me, I’m going to contact the mental health team to see what support I can get for you.
- I’m going to do some emotional regulation EFT to help ground us both. (this usually helps the feelings dissipate quickly). I teach this simple technique to most of my clients.
- Next day (usually the feelings are gone), so we reflect that they were feelings and not a reality and we can move on, until the next time, which I repeat the above.
Neurodiversity and overwhelming emotions
For some autistic and ADHD children, emotions can arrive with extraordinary intensity.
Rejection sensitivity (RSD) can mean an argument, friendship problem, criticism, feeling excluded or believing someone is disappointed in them feels catastrophic rather than simply upsetting.
A child experiencing demand avoidance (PDA) may also become overwhelmed when they feel trapped, controlled or unable to escape expectations. School demands, transitions, social pressures and seemingly ordinary requests can accumulate until their nervous system is overloaded.
Add sensory overwhelm, masking, bullying, difficulties identifying emotions, impulsivity or repeatedly feeling “different”, and distress can become enormous.
This doesn’t mean suicidal language should ever be dismissed as “just their ADHD”, “just PDA” or an emotional outburst.
It means we need to become curious about what is happening underneath it.
My feelings of self loathing and shame.
I understand because I was that child, and remember the depth of self-loathing: believing there was something fundamentally wrong with me. Feeling flawed and ugly and, at times, genuinely believed I didn’t deserve to live. I had no support from my parents and felt isolated the self-loathing eating me away from within, that I hid behind a smile.
Now I understand myself through a very different lens.
That is one reason I feel so passionately about helping children and parents understand what behaviour and powerful words may be communicating.
A child doesn’t need another adult telling them they’re overreacting.
They need someone willing to ask: “What is making life feel unbearable for you right now?”
What should you do?
Try to regulate yourself before responding. Your fear is completely understandable, but your child needs to know that they can tell you the truth without frightening you away or you intensely reacting.
Do…
- Stay calm and listen. Don’t immediately correct, lecture or reassure.
- Validate the feeling without validating hopelessness: “It sounds as though things feel unbearable right now. I’m really glad you told me.”
- Ask directly: “When you say you want to die, do you mean you want these feelings to stop, or are you thinking about ending your life?”
- Explore gently: “Have you thought about how you would do that?” “Have you thought about when or where?” “Have you done anything to prepare?”
- Look for the trigger. Rejection? Friendship difficulties? School? Shame? A demand? Sensory overload? Feeling different or misunderstood?
- Reduce pressure where possible. A dysregulated brain needs safety before problem-solving.
- Create a safety plan together, including people they can approach, calming strategies, safe places and what to do when those feelings return. EFT is a game changer as an emotional regulation tool in my experience.
- Seek professional support. Don’t carry this alone or assume that because the crisis has passed, the underlying distress has disappeared.
- Be aware if your child is listening to any self deprecating words you use towards yourself that they may be learning to be self critical, and work to nip this in the bud! I can help you with this.
If your child has a plan, has taken steps towards harming themselves, has access to something they could use, or you believe they may be in immediate danger, seek urgent emergency help and do not leave them alone.
Don’t….
- Panic and project feelings of worry onto your child (this can lead to them shutting down altogether and not sharing how they feel again for fear of upsetting you or your reaction).
- Take what they say literally without probing for more information.
- Assume that this is a feeling they have all the time.
- Suffocate them so they feel you’re being ‘over-protective’. This can lead to feelings of isolation and being misunderstood.
- Tell them not to end their life, it can be interpreted as a lack of understanding of their feelings.
- Try and reassure them how wonderful they are, if they don’t feel it in that moment this can seem invalidating of their struggles.
- Tell them the impact that their end of life will have on you and others, and project a sense of guilt, as that feels too much pressure and responsibility that can be unhelpful.
- Dismiss their feelings or minimise them.
- Assume you are failing or have done something wrong as a parent.
- Tell them or imply there is something wrong with them.
- Compare them against siblings.
Supporting the child behind the behaviour
Sometimes the question isn’t simply “How do I stop my child saying – I want to die?”
It’s:
When my child says ‘I don’t want to be here’, it’s time to reflect… What is my child desperately trying to communicate that they don’t yet know how to say?
My work with neurodivergent children, teenagers and parents focuses on looking beneath behaviour – helping families understand emotional regulation, rejection sensitivity, demand avoidance, overwhelm and the individual nervous system in front of them.
Your child isn’t a problem to be fixed. They may need help understanding themselves, communicating what is happening internally and finding safer ways through feelings that currently seem impossible to survive.
Unaddressed in a calm sensitive, assertive, collaborative way it can lead to eating disorders and self harm behaviours.
If you’re worried about your child and feel you’re constantly firefighting meltdowns, shutdowns, rejection, school difficulties or overwhelming emotions, get in touch with me.
I offer private, neurodiversity-informed support for children, teenagers and parents in Nottingham and virtual sessions online.
Contact me to discuss one-to-one support for emotional regulation and what might be appropriate for your family.
Maybe you need some bonding time and some time out? My newly launched solo retreat, The Ivy is also available for a child 12 plus and parent for half day, full day and overnight stays. You can find out more here. It is a calming safe space designed with sensory needs considered, crafts and jigsaws. I offer private one to one support and coaching if needed. I have a full DBS and work in schools.
The Ivy Retreat Link The Ivy Retreat
More information on The Ivy – Information booklet
Blog post on demand avoidance here: PDA My teenager won’t go to school
Request a complimentary call with me here to discuss how I can help: https://calendly.com/