09 Nov Neurodivergent teenager demand avoidance – tips and support
Why Does My Teenager Push Away the Things They Want Most?
Understanding Neurodivergent teenager demand avoidance, rejection sensitivity, self-sabotage and the importance of connection.
Have you ever watched your child desperately want something, only to reject it when the opportunity finally arrives?
They want friends, but refuse invitations. They want to do well at school, but can’t face going. They want independence, yet resist taking steps towards it. They might even reject the very people trying hardest to support them.
As a mum with AuDHD and autism, raising a daughter who is also AuDHD (autistic with ADHD), I understand how frustrating, confusing and emotionally exhausting this can be. Not just for us as parents, but for our children too.
And as a therapist and ADHD coach working with neurodivergent young people, I see how easily these behaviours can be misunderstood.
What looks like laziness, defiance, ingratitude or self-sabotage may actually be a young person desperately trying to protect themselves from overwhelm, failure, criticism or rejection.
Sometimes the very thing they want is also the thing that feels most threatening.
So how do we help them?
For me a neurodivergent teenager with demand avoidance needs connection first and foremost.
When Even the Things We Want Feel Impossible
Demand avoidance isn’t simply about refusing to do things we don’t enjoy.
For some autistic and ADHD young people, even activities they’re genuinely excited about can suddenly feel overwhelming when they become an expectation.
A teenager might spend weeks looking forward to meeting a friend, only to refuse to leave the house on the day.
They might want a tidy bedroom but feel completely unable to begin.
They might desperately want to succeed academically but become paralysed by the thought of starting an assignment.
There can be several things happening here: executive functioning difficulties, sensory overwhelm, anxiety, perfectionism, fear of failure or a need for autonomy.
And sometimes the harder we push, the harder it becomes for them to act.
I experience demand avoidance and rejection sensitivity myself. There are things I genuinely want or need to do that I put off for days, sometimes weeks. I understand how frustrating that gap between intention and action can be.
This is something I openly share with my daughter. Some of the things I avoid sometimes are … looking at my bank account, listening to voice-notes, paying parking fines, leaving the house, dealing with confrontation. Without personal insight to my own struggles I can’t empathise or have patience with hers.
I want my daughter to understand that struggling to do something doesn’t make her lazy, difficult or a failure.
Our neurodivergence can help explain why something is difficult. It doesn’t mean we’re incapable of finding ways to manage it.
The goal isn’t to remove every challenge from our children’s lives. It’s to help them develop the confidence, understanding and tools to navigate those challenges.
Rejection Sensitivity: When Criticism Feels Like Confirmation That You’re Not Good Enough
Many neurodivergent young people experience intense emotional responses to criticism, disappointment or perceived rejection.
Rejection sensitivity can make relatively small interactions feel enormous.
A friend doesn’t reply to a message.
A teacher corrects their work.
A parent reminds them to brush their teeth.
What might seem like an ordinary interaction can be interpreted as:
- “They don’t like me.”
- “I’m always getting things wrong.”
- “I’m a disappointment.”
- “What’s the point in trying?”
- “There’s something wrong with me.”
Over time, repeated experiences of feeling misunderstood, criticised or excluded can influence how a young person sees themselves.
And this is where avoidance and self-sabotaging patterns can develop.
If I don’t try, I can’t fail.
If I reject someone first, they can’t reject me.
If I don’t go, I won’t have to face the possibility of not fitting in.
These aren’t necessarily conscious decisions. They can become protective responses to feelings that are incredibly uncomfortable.
Of course, not every instance of avoidance is driven by rejection sensitivity. Sometimes school, friendships or particular environments genuinely aren’t meeting a young person’s needs.
We need to understand what they’re protecting themselves from before deciding what support they need.
Connection Before Correction
This is something I feel particularly strongly about.
Without connection, there is often very little willingness to engage with the things our children are avoiding.
When a teenager feels criticised, misunderstood or constantly reminded of what they haven’t done, they may become increasingly defensive or withdrawn. I realise now that I wasn’t a rebellious, difficult, faulty child, I was a misunderstood, neurodivergent teenager demand avoidance, desperate to feel loved, accepted and yearning deep meaningful connections.
As a parent when we become anxious about our childs future, it’s easy to fall into the trap of nagging, lecturing, persuading or trying to fix things.
I understand why. We’re worried about them. We want them to succeed, look after themselves, have friendships and develop independence.
But sometimes our attempts to help can unintentionally reinforce the very feelings that are keeping them stuck.
Connection doesn’t mean abandoning boundaries or expectations.
It means creating enough emotional safety and trust for our children to feel supported rather than judged.
Practical ways to build connection
- Spend time together without an agenda. Not every interaction needs to involve a conversation about school, hygiene, homework or behaviour.
- Enter their world. Take an interest in their music, games, artwork, interests or whatever currently excites them.
- Connect side by side. Walking, driving, crafting or cooking together can make conversations feel less intense than sitting face to face.
- Use humour and playfulness. Sometimes a little silliness can break through tension far more effectively than another serious conversation.
- Listen without immediately offering solutions. Sometimes they need to feel heard before they’re ready to consider what might help.
- Make time together unconditional. Don’t make affection, attention or enjoyable activities something they have to earn through good behaviour.
And remember, connection doesn’t always look like conversation. Sometimes it’s simply being together comfortably without needing to say anything.
Turn Demands Into Opportunities for Connection
Take something as ordinary as tidying a bedroom.
A parent might repeatedly ask their teenager to tidy their room, offer to help, become frustrated when the offer is rejected and eventually end up in an argument.
What if we approached it differently?
Instead of:
“You’ve been asked to tidy your room all week. Why can’t you just do it?”
Try:
“Come on, let’s spend a bit of time together. We can put some music on, sort a few things out and maybe go for a coffee afterwards. I’d really like to hang out with you.”
For some teenagers, gentle leadership and doing something together can feel much more manageable than being left alone with an overwhelming task.
For others, even that invitation may feel like pressure. They might need more choice, a smaller starting point or simply some time together before approaching the task.
The important thing is to stay flexible.
And if they can’t manage the tidying, don’t withdraw the opportunity to connect.
Our relationship with our children shouldn’t depend on their ability to meet our expectations.
The same approach can help with personal hygiene, eating and other everyday challenges.
Instead of making every shower, meal or toothbrush another battleground, explore what makes these activities difficult.
Is it sensory discomfort? Difficulty getting started? Exhaustion? Anxiety? The feeling of being controlled?
Could you prepare things together, reduce the number of steps or find an alternative that feels more manageable?
Sometimes practical support is far more helpful than another reminder.
Persistent difficulties with eating, hygiene or daily functioning can also indicate burnout, depression, physical health problems or other support needs. These shouldn’t automatically be attributed to demand avoidance.
Model the Behaviour You Want to See
One of the things I find most helpful in parenting my daughter is being open about my own struggles.
I don’t pretend to have everything figured out.
I tell her when I’m avoiding something. I acknowledge when I’ve made a poor choice. I explain that my choices have consequences, just as hers do.
And importantly, I apologise when I get things wrong.
If I’ve become frustrated or reacted badly, I might say:
“I’m sorry. I was feeling overwhelmed and I didn’t handle that very well. I could have done that differently.”
This is incredibly important.
Our children need to see that making mistakes doesn’t make us bad people.
They need to understand that relationships can survive disagreements, that we can take responsibility without drowning in shame, and that there’s always an opportunity to repair.
I also invite my daughter into problem-solving conversations.
Rather than telling her what she needs to do differently, I’ll ask:
- “What do you think might help us next time?”
- “What was the hardest part?”
- “Is there something I could do differently?”
- “Shall we try working out a plan together?”
These conversations work best when we’re both calm, rather than in the middle of a meltdown or argument.
We’re not trying to raise children who simply comply. We’re helping them become adults who can understand themselves, make choices, take responsibility and ask for support when they need it.
Celebrate Small Wins Without Creating More Pressure
This is something I consciously practise with my daughter.
Some mornings are difficult. We struggle to get organised, emotions run high and we end up leaving later than planned.
It’s easy to focus on everything that went wrong.
But once we’re in the car, I might say:
“Well done, we did it! We’re on our way. Let’s take that win.”
Because I don’t want her carrying the feeling that she’s failed before her day has even begun.
I want her to recognise that even when something was difficult, we managed to move forward.
However, there’s another important consideration here.
Sometimes we can unintentionally create pressure through excessive praise.
If a child is repeatedly told how wonderful, good or well-behaved they’ve been, they may begin to feel that they have to maintain that standard to receive approval.
And when the next day is difficult, hearing “You were so good yesterday, what’s wrong with you today?” can reinforce feelings of shame.
I want my daughter to develop the ability to recognise her own achievements, rather than constantly looking to me for validation.
So alongside encouragement, I might ask:
- “How do you feel about what you managed today?”
- “What are you pleased with yourself for?”
- “What helped you get through that?”
- “What did you learn about yourself?”
Sometimes the achievement is simply getting out of the house.
Sometimes it’s asking for help, recognising overwhelm, trying something new or knowing when to rest.
And sometimes there isn’t an achievement to celebrate at all.
Our children still need to know they’re loved, accepted and valued on those days too.
Accept the Parts of Ourselves We Find Difficult
I think this is something we don’t talk about enough.
As parents, we can carry our own shame around anger, procrastination, avoidance, emotional outbursts or not being as productive as we think we should be.
We might tell our children it’s okay to struggle while criticising ourselves for exactly the same things.
Children notice these contradictions.
If we want our children to accept themselves, we need to consider how accepting we are of ourselves.
Can we acknowledge our anger without believing we’re bad people?
Can we recognise our avoidance without calling ourselves lazy?
Can we admit we’ve made mistakes without becoming consumed by shame?
In psychology, we sometimes talk about accepting our shadow side — those parts of ourselves we may have learned to hide, reject or judge.
Accepting those parts doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviour or avoiding responsibility.
It means understanding that being human involves difficult emotions, imperfections and contradictions.
And that none of those things makes us unworthy of love.
Our children don’t need us to model perfection. They need us to model how to be imperfect without shame.
Your Neurodivergent Teenager Experiencing Demand Avoidance Doesn’t Need Fixing
Perhaps the most important message I want parents and teenagers to take away from this article is this:
There is nothing inherently wrong with being neurodivergent. Your teenager is not broken, and they don’t need fixing.
They may need understanding, accommodations, practical strategies, emotional support and sometimes specialist help.
But they don’t need to become somebody else to be worthy of acceptance.
For teenagers who have spent years masking, struggling to fit in or feeling that they’re constantly getting things wrong, this distinction is enormously important.
Rather than focusing entirely on what they’re struggling with, let’s help them discover what makes them who they are.
Their interests. Their creativity. Their humour. Their sensitivity. Their individuality.
Let’s create opportunities for them to experience life without constantly being assessed, corrected or compared.
And let’s help them understand that their difficulties are things they can learn to navigate, not evidence that they’re fundamentally flawed.
When Talking Isn’t Enough: Connection Through Creativity
Not every teenager wants to sit in a therapy room and talk about their feelings.
In fact, for some young people, being asked to talk about their emotions can feel like yet another demand.
This is one of the reasons I’m so passionate about using creativity and shared experiences as opportunities for connection.
Painting, crafting, journalling, spending time in nature or simply making something together can offer a different way to engage.
There doesn’t have to be a right answer.
There doesn’t have to be a perfect finished product.
And there doesn’t always have to be a conversation.
Sometimes meaningful conversations happen naturally when we’re focused on something else.
Creativity can offer opportunities for self-expression, confidence-building, emotional exploration and simply enjoying being ourselves.
The Ivy: A Space to Just Be
I’ve created The Ivy Solo Retreat in Carlton, Nottingham, as a private, peaceful space where people can step away from everyday pressures and expectations.
The Ivy welcomes individuals aged 16+ and parents or caregivers with a young person aged 12+.
It’s a place to rest, reconnect, create, explore interests or simply enjoy some time without the demands of everyday life.
I also offer creative companion sessions, providing opportunities for young people to spend time creating alongside me, with gentle encouragement, connection and emotional support where appropriate.
For some teenagers, this may feel much more approachable than traditional talking-based support.
There’s no expectation to produce a masterpiece, disclose personal feelings or perform in any particular way.
The aim is to create opportunities for connection, self-expression and a growing sense of confidence and self-acceptance.
You can find out more about The Ivy and my work through Rebecca Dakin.
A Final Thought for Parents
If your teenager is struggling, withdrawing, avoiding opportunities or pushing you away, try not to interpret every difficult interaction as rejection.
Sometimes the young people who appear to reject our support are the ones who most need to know we’re still there.
Keep offering connection.
Keep looking for small opportunities to understand one another.
Keep showing them that mistakes can be repaired, difficult feelings can be managed and progress doesn’t have to be perfect.
And perhaps most importantly, help them develop a relationship with themselves that isn’t built on criticism, shame or constantly trying to meet somebody else’s expectations.
Because ultimately, we don’t want our children to spend their lives needing approval to feel good enough.
We want them to know that they are already enough, exactly as they are, even while they’re learning, growing and finding their way.
Rebecca Dakin — AuDHD Mum, Hypnotherapist, EFT Practitioner and ADHD Coach, Nottingham.
Request a call with me here: Calendly